10.30.2009
Scary America: Real Ghost Sightings
This is what happens when BrevityTV gives me a camera. Not for the easily offended.
-T
10.24.2009
Thoughts on Glee
Here's why I don't like Glee:
(Apologies for the commercial, it's a Hulu thing.)
I'll spare you any more, lest you never read this blog again for making you watch that. But it's basically everything I don't like about Glee rolled into 30 seconds. And it boils down to "Will Schuester". I'm sorry, but he's a douche. Not the actor; I actually think Matthew Morrison is extremely talented. It's the character. He's awful.
First, the obvious: He's a failed singer/dancer who is reliving his high school glory days by living vicariously through the popular quarterback (who reminds him so much of himself and is incidentally the second-weakest character on the show). The writers seem to play this off by making only the "bad guys" say in mean ways what we're all thinking. As if only a really mean person would look at it like that. But if he was really looking out for these kids, why does he keep jutting himself into their songs (as above)? Why is he so obsessed with "winning" the next Glee competition? I have never been in a choir, show or otherwise, where the director sang along. Will is an egomaniac.
But that's not his only personality flaw. He has inappropriate relationships with every female on the show. Like his wife. I get that she's awful and we're not supposed to like her. Fine. But how do we as an audience get that and yet Will somehow doesn't? He's either an idiot or a doormat. Even so, he still believes her to be pregnant. So how is flirting incessantly with a co-worker remotely cute? Because he doesn't have greased hair and a sneer?
"Emma", my favorite character on the show... I would happily live in a plastic bubble for that girl...
She's obviously madly in love with Will. (Why, I don't understand.) But Will knows this, has talked about it openly, encourages it, and screws with her head in every episode. If he was HALF a decent human being he would preserve some shred of her sanity by not giving her hope as if any minute he might leave his wife to be with her.
And when is the last time you screamed at a colleague at work and stayed working there? Yet Will fights outright with "Sue" in front of students. Not the worst thing in the world, but adds to the general picture. He is inappropriately close with his students (Rachel, Finn). He gives them anything they want, so long as they stay in Glee Club. I get that it's hard to make a good-looking teacher look uninterested in the cute high school girls, but this show doesn't even try. Song choice, dance moves, after school conversations. I would never leave that guy alone with my daughter...
Yet Fox wants us to like this guy. It's obvious we're supposed to like him, and that he's the "good guy" of the show. It creates dissonance for me when buying the premise of the show requires me to like an unlikeable lead. But this sort of skewed morality is why Hollywood is so divorced from mainstream America. Just because Los Angeles is morally bankrupt, doesn't mean everyone else is. It doesn't raise any red flags with the writers of this show that these sorts of things make a character hard to like?
There are two exceptions to this: 1) You can have an anti-hero, like "Sue Sylvester", who does horrible things with great revelry. She's so awful, it's great. 2) You can spend a character's likability points. Like a very special Full House where DJ drinks beer. We don't like the choice, but we stick by her because we generally like her, and she has enough "Good Guy" credits to get away with it for one episode.
But the biggest fatal flaw of the character... He has no perspective. For everyone else on the show, it is very clear who they are and what they want out of life. The character is clear, recognizable. You almost know what "Kurt Hummel" is going to say before he does, but you love watching him say it. You know why "Rachel Berry" is so driven. You get "Sue Sylvester". I don't get Will at all. Why is his life the way it is? Why does he put up with his crappy wife? Why does he keep going after Emma? He says in the pilot episode that teaching is his passion. Why? To what end is this guy getting out of bed in the morning? I don't know. And the show hasn't given me reason to care whether he succeeds or fails. You can't watch a show year after year that's wrapped around a lead character that we don't want to watch. I put up with Will scenes to get to the singing and dancing.
Here's why I like Glee:
Likeable characters with clear points of view singing and dancing to songs that I like. Glee needs to get rid of anything that's not that.
-T
(Apologies for the commercial, it's a Hulu thing.)
I'll spare you any more, lest you never read this blog again for making you watch that. But it's basically everything I don't like about Glee rolled into 30 seconds. And it boils down to "Will Schuester". I'm sorry, but he's a douche. Not the actor; I actually think Matthew Morrison is extremely talented. It's the character. He's awful.
First, the obvious: He's a failed singer/dancer who is reliving his high school glory days by living vicariously through the popular quarterback (who reminds him so much of himself and is incidentally the second-weakest character on the show). The writers seem to play this off by making only the "bad guys" say in mean ways what we're all thinking. As if only a really mean person would look at it like that. But if he was really looking out for these kids, why does he keep jutting himself into their songs (as above)? Why is he so obsessed with "winning" the next Glee competition? I have never been in a choir, show or otherwise, where the director sang along. Will is an egomaniac.
But that's not his only personality flaw. He has inappropriate relationships with every female on the show. Like his wife. I get that she's awful and we're not supposed to like her. Fine. But how do we as an audience get that and yet Will somehow doesn't? He's either an idiot or a doormat. Even so, he still believes her to be pregnant. So how is flirting incessantly with a co-worker remotely cute? Because he doesn't have greased hair and a sneer?
"Emma", my favorite character on the show... I would happily live in a plastic bubble for that girl...
She's obviously madly in love with Will. (Why, I don't understand.) But Will knows this, has talked about it openly, encourages it, and screws with her head in every episode. If he was HALF a decent human being he would preserve some shred of her sanity by not giving her hope as if any minute he might leave his wife to be with her.
And when is the last time you screamed at a colleague at work and stayed working there? Yet Will fights outright with "Sue" in front of students. Not the worst thing in the world, but adds to the general picture. He is inappropriately close with his students (Rachel, Finn). He gives them anything they want, so long as they stay in Glee Club. I get that it's hard to make a good-looking teacher look uninterested in the cute high school girls, but this show doesn't even try. Song choice, dance moves, after school conversations. I would never leave that guy alone with my daughter...
Yet Fox wants us to like this guy. It's obvious we're supposed to like him, and that he's the "good guy" of the show. It creates dissonance for me when buying the premise of the show requires me to like an unlikeable lead. But this sort of skewed morality is why Hollywood is so divorced from mainstream America. Just because Los Angeles is morally bankrupt, doesn't mean everyone else is. It doesn't raise any red flags with the writers of this show that these sorts of things make a character hard to like?
There are two exceptions to this: 1) You can have an anti-hero, like "Sue Sylvester", who does horrible things with great revelry. She's so awful, it's great. 2) You can spend a character's likability points. Like a very special Full House where DJ drinks beer. We don't like the choice, but we stick by her because we generally like her, and she has enough "Good Guy" credits to get away with it for one episode.
But the biggest fatal flaw of the character... He has no perspective. For everyone else on the show, it is very clear who they are and what they want out of life. The character is clear, recognizable. You almost know what "Kurt Hummel" is going to say before he does, but you love watching him say it. You know why "Rachel Berry" is so driven. You get "Sue Sylvester". I don't get Will at all. Why is his life the way it is? Why does he put up with his crappy wife? Why does he keep going after Emma? He says in the pilot episode that teaching is his passion. Why? To what end is this guy getting out of bed in the morning? I don't know. And the show hasn't given me reason to care whether he succeeds or fails. You can't watch a show year after year that's wrapped around a lead character that we don't want to watch. I put up with Will scenes to get to the singing and dancing.
Here's why I like Glee:
Likeable characters with clear points of view singing and dancing to songs that I like. Glee needs to get rid of anything that's not that.
-T
8.11.2009
6.11.2009
The Costco Story, pt. 2
(If you have not yet done so, please take a moment to peruse The Costco Story, so you know the background on this.)
I have the most amazing friends and family on the planet. This story seems to have struck a chord with people, as I'm sure most people have had to fight a similar battle at some point with an online merchant, a cable/internet company, and other situations where you cannot get a human being to look you in the eye and fix the problem. After a tremendous outpouring of support, I am pleased to report that I am now holding in my hand $560... in singles and five-dollar-bills.
So here's how it all went down:
I made a bunch more calls to the Costco.com hotline yesterday, to no avail.
First, I talked to Jennifer from the Issaquah call center (425-727-7317, jbedell@costco.com). I explained my story.
Jennifer: Wow, that's horrible. That's the worst customer service experience I've ever heard of. I'm so sorry you had to experience that. I promise that I will take care of this.
Me: Wow, finally someone gets it. Thank you.
Never heard from her again.
Then, I talked to Gentry Valley (509-454-1234). And yes, that is his real name. He's the one that accused me of being a terrorist.
Me: Hi. Have you been told what I'm calling about today?
Gentry: Oh, yes. It's all right here in the notes.
Me: Great. So could I please have my money back now?
Gentry: No.
Me: Um... please?
Gentry: Can't do. You could be anybody. How can I really determine who I'm talking to?
Me: Um... you could ask me--
Gentry: (ignoring me) You could be an identity thief. Homeland Security requires us to not give refunds in order to stop terrorists.
Me: So, you can't give me my money back because you think I'm a terrorist?
Gentry: WHO ARE YOU??
Me: What kind of identity thief works this hard to RETURN MONEY to its original owner? I cannot begin to imagine the scam where someone purchases something on a stolen credit card and then returns it back to the same credit card. What in your mind is it you think I'm trying to accomplish?
Gentry: AMERICA! LOVE IT OR LEAVE IT!!
Me: Gentry, do you even have the CAPABILITY to help me? That is, can you personally authorize the transfer of funds back to my card?
Gentry: No.
Me: Then why am I talking to you? Please transfer me to the person who makes these decisions.
Gentry: No.
Me: Why not?
Gentry: Because you have to talk to me.
Me: But you can't help me.
Gentry: So?
Me: [Sigh.]
I was pretty down by this point. No longer clear if it was worth it or even what I was fighting for in the first place. But then the internet happened.
Costco.com started receiving loads and loads of phone calls and emails from all of you, and that's when they started calling me back. At first it was the same mid-level managers apologizing all over themselves. But then it was higher ups. I started getting calls from operations people and vice presidents and people with titles who had been forwarded links to my blog entry by people I didn't even know. I told my story probably another 6 times.
Gentry called back with a new attitude, as if he had just been ripped a new one by his higher-ups.
Gentry: Tim, ol' buddy, ol' pal! I fixed everything!
Me: Great! So you put the money back on my card?
Gentry: Sure did! I reloaded the money back on your gift card.
Me: [Sigh.]
I'm getting a nervous tick at this point. And trying not to resort to homicidal rage.
Me: I'm. Not. Buying. Anything. From. Costco. Ever. Again.
Gentry: Oh.
Me: What am I going to do with a GIFT CARD, Gentry?
Gentry: I'll make sure the money gets put back on your credit card. I'll call you back in an hour.
Me: For some reason, I'm not convinced.
Guess who did NOT call back in an hour? Shocking, I know. But Gentry did call back 4 hours later during the 30 seconds I was in the bathroom. This is the message he left (if I can figure out how to embed the audio, I will):
"Hi Tim this is Gentry calling back. Sorry i didn't quite make the hour window I had talked about earlier... The unfortunate answer is that I can't get the credit back to the credit card. What it really boils down to is that our loss prevention team... can't be 100% certain it's going back to the right person... Best I can recommend at this point is taking that [gift] card back into your local store... They can go ahead and cash that out for you."
There are so many things wrong with this message. Like the fact that he calls it "the credit card" instead of "your credit card" or the fact that once again they're making ME do all the footwork to fix THEIR incompetence.
He goes on to say that he's MAILING ME A $25 GIFT CARD to make up for my trouble. Besides the fact that the last &*$%#* thing I want to see on earth is ANOTHER COSTCO GIFT CARD... If you do the math, that's the equivalent of paying me 2.8 cents per hour of my wasted time. It's even less if you factor in that I could have invested that $560 in something that didn't make me want to commit murder.
So next comes more people calling me higher up in the food chain, responding to several of your emails, saber rattles, and a phone conversations. I even got a call from a guy named Scott who told me he was personally responsible for failing to properly train the Yakima phone office (read: Jeff).
Scott wouldn't give me his full name, because he had read my previous blog. But for the most part, I had to once again explain the situation to these guys. They go on and on about how in all their years with Costco, they've never heard of a customer service story as bad as this. They will fix it, blah, blah, blah...
But even they were pretty much worthless. The best they can do is tell me WHY Costco's policies are set up to prison rape me.
Scott: Your (second) order was canceled because we couldn't verify your address.
Me: Ok, that's the first I've heard of this. Did you try Google Maps?
Scott: No, we use our own system.
Me: How's that working out for you?
Scott: We cancel a lot of orders.
Me: I'll bet. Why didn't anyone just call me and ask if there was a problem?
Scott: We don't do that.
Me: Who would've guessed. Well, thank you for at least giving me straight answers. But you haven't helped me one iota. (To quote Mark Andrus:) I'm drowning here. And you're describing the water.
Scott: I'll look into this and call you back tomorrow.
Me: I totally believe that. What's your full name and contact information for when you don't?
Scott: Oh, you WILL hear back from me!
For those of you still not paying attention: Scott did not call me back.
It seems very simple to me. I give you money for a product. You either give me the product, or you give me my money back. If something goes wrong, you don't make your customers run errands. Especially not after dozens of calls, hours trying to fix it, and three runs to the same store for the same reason.
But fine. I had my stupid gift card. I called the store, gave them the schpeil, and had them verify the balance on the card. I told them I would be there in the hour and a half that it takes to get there. When I showed up, they told me they couldn't cash it.
I made them look in the notes of the account where it said that they could cash it. Didn't work. I made them listen to the phone message where Gentry said I could cash it in store. Nope. "Our policy is to not cash [gift] cards." Over and over and over.
I planted my feet and told them I wasn't leaving until they gave me my money back. I argued with them until the store closed. The head of store, wanting desperately to go home, finally relented with the magical words I have been waiting so long to hear: "Anita, would you cash him out?"
It was that simple. All it took was for ONE PERSON to say, "You know what? Maybe we should stop bending this guy over and help. Maybe I should circumvent our policy just this once."
So Anita takes my card and gives me American dollars in return. Only it's the end of the night, so all she has in her register are a crapload of one's and five's. It's not like you can just tuck that many bills into your wallet. So I cram them in every pocket and orifice I have. I walk out of there, looking like a damn stripper. And not even a high-class one.
So yes, my internet friends: We have succeeded... Sort of.
After 36 days of people from Costco.com promising to call back without doing so (7 times), promising that it would all be "fixed by tomorrow" (5 times), and promising to fix the problem without doing so (so many times I couldn't begin to count), your friend Tim is now...
...back to where he started a month and a half ago.
Anybody know where I can get a good deal on a Playstation 3? (Preferably somewhere where if anything goes wrong I can punch someone in the face.)
-T
I have the most amazing friends and family on the planet. This story seems to have struck a chord with people, as I'm sure most people have had to fight a similar battle at some point with an online merchant, a cable/internet company, and other situations where you cannot get a human being to look you in the eye and fix the problem. After a tremendous outpouring of support, I am pleased to report that I am now holding in my hand $560... in singles and five-dollar-bills.
So here's how it all went down:
I made a bunch more calls to the Costco.com hotline yesterday, to no avail.
First, I talked to Jennifer from the Issaquah call center (425-727-7317, jbedell@costco.com). I explained my story.
Jennifer: Wow, that's horrible. That's the worst customer service experience I've ever heard of. I'm so sorry you had to experience that. I promise that I will take care of this.
Me: Wow, finally someone gets it. Thank you.
Never heard from her again.
Then, I talked to Gentry Valley (509-454-1234). And yes, that is his real name. He's the one that accused me of being a terrorist.
Me: Hi. Have you been told what I'm calling about today?
Gentry: Oh, yes. It's all right here in the notes.
Me: Great. So could I please have my money back now?
Gentry: No.
Me: Um... please?
Gentry: Can't do. You could be anybody. How can I really determine who I'm talking to?
Me: Um... you could ask me--
Gentry: (ignoring me) You could be an identity thief. Homeland Security requires us to not give refunds in order to stop terrorists.
Me: So, you can't give me my money back because you think I'm a terrorist?
Gentry: WHO ARE YOU??
Me: What kind of identity thief works this hard to RETURN MONEY to its original owner? I cannot begin to imagine the scam where someone purchases something on a stolen credit card and then returns it back to the same credit card. What in your mind is it you think I'm trying to accomplish?
Gentry: AMERICA! LOVE IT OR LEAVE IT!!
Me: Gentry, do you even have the CAPABILITY to help me? That is, can you personally authorize the transfer of funds back to my card?
Gentry: No.
Me: Then why am I talking to you? Please transfer me to the person who makes these decisions.
Gentry: No.
Me: Why not?
Gentry: Because you have to talk to me.
Me: But you can't help me.
Gentry: So?
Me: [Sigh.]
I was pretty down by this point. No longer clear if it was worth it or even what I was fighting for in the first place. But then the internet happened.
Costco.com started receiving loads and loads of phone calls and emails from all of you, and that's when they started calling me back. At first it was the same mid-level managers apologizing all over themselves. But then it was higher ups. I started getting calls from operations people and vice presidents and people with titles who had been forwarded links to my blog entry by people I didn't even know. I told my story probably another 6 times.
Gentry called back with a new attitude, as if he had just been ripped a new one by his higher-ups.
Gentry: Tim, ol' buddy, ol' pal! I fixed everything!
Me: Great! So you put the money back on my card?
Gentry: Sure did! I reloaded the money back on your gift card.
Me: [Sigh.]
I'm getting a nervous tick at this point. And trying not to resort to homicidal rage.
Me: I'm. Not. Buying. Anything. From. Costco. Ever. Again.
Gentry: Oh.
Me: What am I going to do with a GIFT CARD, Gentry?
Gentry: I'll make sure the money gets put back on your credit card. I'll call you back in an hour.
Me: For some reason, I'm not convinced.
Guess who did NOT call back in an hour? Shocking, I know. But Gentry did call back 4 hours later during the 30 seconds I was in the bathroom. This is the message he left (if I can figure out how to embed the audio, I will):
"Hi Tim this is Gentry calling back. Sorry i didn't quite make the hour window I had talked about earlier... The unfortunate answer is that I can't get the credit back to the credit card. What it really boils down to is that our loss prevention team... can't be 100% certain it's going back to the right person... Best I can recommend at this point is taking that [gift] card back into your local store... They can go ahead and cash that out for you."
There are so many things wrong with this message. Like the fact that he calls it "the credit card" instead of "your credit card" or the fact that once again they're making ME do all the footwork to fix THEIR incompetence.
He goes on to say that he's MAILING ME A $25 GIFT CARD to make up for my trouble. Besides the fact that the last &*$%#* thing I want to see on earth is ANOTHER COSTCO GIFT CARD... If you do the math, that's the equivalent of paying me 2.8 cents per hour of my wasted time. It's even less if you factor in that I could have invested that $560 in something that didn't make me want to commit murder.
So next comes more people calling me higher up in the food chain, responding to several of your emails, saber rattles, and a phone conversations. I even got a call from a guy named Scott who told me he was personally responsible for failing to properly train the Yakima phone office (read: Jeff).
Scott wouldn't give me his full name, because he had read my previous blog. But for the most part, I had to once again explain the situation to these guys. They go on and on about how in all their years with Costco, they've never heard of a customer service story as bad as this. They will fix it, blah, blah, blah...
But even they were pretty much worthless. The best they can do is tell me WHY Costco's policies are set up to prison rape me.
Scott: Your (second) order was canceled because we couldn't verify your address.
Me: Ok, that's the first I've heard of this. Did you try Google Maps?
Scott: No, we use our own system.
Me: How's that working out for you?
Scott: We cancel a lot of orders.
Me: I'll bet. Why didn't anyone just call me and ask if there was a problem?
Scott: We don't do that.
Me: Who would've guessed. Well, thank you for at least giving me straight answers. But you haven't helped me one iota. (To quote Mark Andrus:) I'm drowning here. And you're describing the water.
Scott: I'll look into this and call you back tomorrow.
Me: I totally believe that. What's your full name and contact information for when you don't?
Scott: Oh, you WILL hear back from me!
For those of you still not paying attention: Scott did not call me back.
It seems very simple to me. I give you money for a product. You either give me the product, or you give me my money back. If something goes wrong, you don't make your customers run errands. Especially not after dozens of calls, hours trying to fix it, and three runs to the same store for the same reason.
But fine. I had my stupid gift card. I called the store, gave them the schpeil, and had them verify the balance on the card. I told them I would be there in the hour and a half that it takes to get there. When I showed up, they told me they couldn't cash it.
I made them look in the notes of the account where it said that they could cash it. Didn't work. I made them listen to the phone message where Gentry said I could cash it in store. Nope. "Our policy is to not cash [gift] cards." Over and over and over.
I planted my feet and told them I wasn't leaving until they gave me my money back. I argued with them until the store closed. The head of store, wanting desperately to go home, finally relented with the magical words I have been waiting so long to hear: "Anita, would you cash him out?"
It was that simple. All it took was for ONE PERSON to say, "You know what? Maybe we should stop bending this guy over and help. Maybe I should circumvent our policy just this once."
So Anita takes my card and gives me American dollars in return. Only it's the end of the night, so all she has in her register are a crapload of one's and five's. It's not like you can just tuck that many bills into your wallet. So I cram them in every pocket and orifice I have. I walk out of there, looking like a damn stripper. And not even a high-class one.
So yes, my internet friends: We have succeeded... Sort of.
After 36 days of people from Costco.com promising to call back without doing so (7 times), promising that it would all be "fixed by tomorrow" (5 times), and promising to fix the problem without doing so (so many times I couldn't begin to count), your friend Tim is now...
...back to where he started a month and a half ago.
Anybody know where I can get a good deal on a Playstation 3? (Preferably somewhere where if anything goes wrong I can punch someone in the face.)
-T
6.09.2009
The Costco Story
A fun lesson in customer service for you:
But first, a little bit of history: Despite the fact that I used to play video games professionally for Activision, I am not much of a gamer. I received my first Nintendo second hand from my grandma after she got tired of it and bought a SuperNintendo. I'm not kidding. I've never had any money to begin with, and I don't like spending money I don't have on something I don't have time to get good at. But what I DO like is keeping in touch with my friends. Buying the same system that my friends have lets me do that. And my friends are into the expensive crap.
I bought a Sony Playstation 3 from Costco.com somewhere around the end of April. I don't even own a TV, and I bought this thing using my credit card and my friend Adrian's membership number. About a week later, it arrives at my doorstep. But, as previously mentioned, I don't own a tv. So I take it to my boss's house. (I cannot recommend transporting a PS3 on a motorcycle.) I go through all the trouble of hooking the thing up only to find out that it only half does what it's supposed to. This was to be the first in a serious of disappointments.
I called up the Sony tech support line. Four hours later, I got a human being on the phone:
Him: Did you turn it off and then back on again?
Me: Yes in the four hours I spent listening to your elevator music, I found the time to turn it on and off a coupl'a times. I adjusted every setting on the thing and performed hard and soft wipes. I also learned Portuguese, but now I can only remember it in elevators for some reason.
Him: So, could you turn it off and then on one more time?
Me: Sigh.
I'll spare you the rest of his thorough evaluation and skip right to the part where he tells me that it's "broke". Now I'm not a scientist, but that sounds pretty bad to me. Since I've had the thing all of 15 seconds, he tells me that it's still under warranty. All I have to do is ship it out of pocket to Philadelphia, and wait 6 to 12 weeks to get it back, good as new. This sounded like a trick.
Having read Costco.com's return policy, I opted to exchange it at my local Costco store. But the only time Adrian could go with me was on Saturday. I don't know if you've ever been to Costco on Saturday, but they literally BAIT the store. They give away free samples (read: Power Bait) in an effort to jam as many people as possible into the warehouse for what I'm sure must have started out as a dare. The net result is something akin to a Tokyo subway car at rush hour:
So I wait in line at the customer service desk. God bless him, Adrian stayed with me the whole time. Finally, we get up to the front desk. I tell the agent about the defective item, and I ask to go get a new one. She says, "Sure, just grab another one and I'll do the exchange." This was a trick, too.
They didn't have the bundle that I bought (with an extra controller, a game, etc.), only the console. No big deal, I think to myself, I'll just exchange this console for the broken one and keep the bundle stuff.
No dice. The customer service rep tells me that she can't do exchanges for different products. At this point I'm eyeing the two IDENTICAL CONSOLE BOXES I'm requesting they switch out. I point that out. Again, no go. In Costco's eye, I was a criminal trying to swindle them.
Ok, whatever. I figure I'll just return the thing now and order another one online. It's time wasted, but I can wait another week for it to arrive. So I ask her to please put the money back on my card. For some reason, this all of a sudden becomes a huge hassle. She can't find the guy with the key on the right machine to do the thing. Then she wants to hand me a wad of cash.
Me: How am I supposed to buy something online with cash?
Her: [Blank stare.]
Me: Can you just please put the credit back on the card I bought it with?
Her: No.
Me: Why not?
Her: Mumble mumble mumble guy mumble key mumble wrong machine mumble.
Me: [Blank stare.]
Her: I can put it on a gift card!
Now if ever I have been presented with a trick, this was certainly one of those times. I don't know why I wasn't more on the ball about it. I guess I was tired and hungry and angry and Adrian was looking at me like "let's get the hell out of this store" and my mind wasn't quite right. So, knowing that I was just going to go home and order the exact same thing again, I accepted the gift card, and got the crap out of there.
I went home and ordered the exact thing that I had just returned, and sat back content in the knowledge that I would soon be blowing up nazi zombies with my friends back in Washington. But a week later, instead of a shiny new Playstation 3, I receive a shiny new email.
Email: Dear Tim. We have canceled your Costco.com order for absolutely no reason whatsoever!
Me: FU.
So I call up the Costco.com hotline. And then I learned another language while I waited on hold. Finally I got a hold of a human being.
Human Being: Hi, this is Jeff. How can I be of service?
Me: Hi, Jeff. I just got an email that says my Costco.com order was canceled.
He looks up my information.
Jeff: Yup, looks like it was canceled.
Me: Right, that's what I just told you. What I want to know is WHY it was canceled, which would hopefully lead us to getting it UN-canceled.
Jeff: Yeah, they don't really tell us anything. You should probably just re-order.
Me: So you can't tell me what went wrong?
Jeff: [silence]
Me: So what's to stop the next order from being canceled?
Jeff: [silence]
Me: Here's my other problem, Jeff. After I placed that second order, the gift card was empty, so I threw it away. Could you please just reinstate the order that got canceled for an unspecified reason?
Jeff: No.
Me: Well, thanks for your time, Jeff. I'm going to need to speak to someone that's not you.
Jeff: Ok.
And I got put on hold again while Jeff tracked down a manager. Learned another language by the time Douche Bag Manager picked up.
DBM: Hi, this is Douche Bag Manager. How can I be of service?
I explain the situation. Douche Bag Manager's solution? MAIL ME OUT ANOTHER CASH CARD.
Me: So let me get this straight. Instead of just mailing me a Playstation, you want to mail me a piece of plastic with a number on it, which will take a week to get here, so I can order the exact thing that I will have now ordered three times? Again, I ask you, why can't you just mail me the PS3?
DBM: Because I'm a huge douche and I need to be beaten with a rubber hose.
Me: Fair enough. Ok, new question: Instead of mailing me a card with numbers on it, can't you just tell me the numbers that would be on the card so I can order my PS3 right now?
DBM: Oh, that's a good idea! I'll email you the new card number.
Me: Douche Bag Manager, I don't trust you even a little bit. What is your full name and phone number, so I can be sure to harass the holy hell out of you when you don't follow through with what you've promised me?
DBM: Robert Knight from the Yakima Costco Call Center. (509) 454-1245.
Me: Thanks, Robert. I'll be sure to not publish this on the internet.
So, I start to settle into the idea that everything is once again right with the world. But oh no. They're just getting warmed up. A few days later, I still have not heard back from anyone. So, I called them back up. I'll skip the hold times, since I figure you've got the picture by now. Needless to say, I learned a lot of new languages.
Jeff: Hi, this is Jeff. How can I be of service?
Me: Huh. That's weird. I got you again. How many of you are there in that call center?
Jeff: About 40 on this floor.
Me: Ok... Listen, Jeff. I was supposed to get an email with a new gift card number on it. Haven't heard back.
He looks up my information.
Jeff: Looks like they mailed you out a cash card.
Me: Sigh. Really? Because I specifically asked them NOT to do that.
Jeff: Can't help you. I'm too retarded to live.
Me: You sure are, Jeff. So can you tell me when the card will get here?
Jeff: Looks like it hasn't left our warehouse yet.
Me: So the gift card that you sent... hasn't been sent yet? Then why don't you just... nevermind. Just transfer me to Douche Bag Manager.
DBM: Hi, this is Douche Bag Manager. How can I be of service?
Me: Hey Douche. Remember that email you were supposed to send?
DMB: No.
Me: Oh, right. Forgot who I was talking to. Well, maybe you remember that card that you WEREN'T going to send? Well, you're sending it.
DMB: Huh.
Me: Could you maybe stop that process, and just put the money back on my credit card so I don't have to wait even longer to get a piece of plastic with number on it instead of a Playstation?
DMB: Can't do. The card's already been sent.
Me: No it hasn't. Jeff just told me it hasn't left your warehouse yet.
DMB: Well as far as our system is concerned, it has.
Me: Wow. You are a huge douche.
DMB: Yup.
So last Friday, this card FINALLY arrives. It is now well over a month since I ordered my next generation video gaming system. Normally I do not put up with this kind of crap from a company. But the thought of gaming with my friends that I rarely get to see has given me hope. And hope is a dangerous thing. I pop online, scoot on over to Costco.com, and AGAIN place my order online. By this point, I've done it so often that Firefox has taken the liberty of filling out all the forms for me. Before I process the order, I do a quick balance check of the card:
ZERO.
I waited this entire time so they could mail me an empty gift card? Fantastic.
Jeff: Hi, this is Jeff. How can I be of service?
Me: Jeff. Buddy.
Jeff: Oh, hey Tim. What's going on?
Me: You guys mailed me an empty gift card.
Jeff: No we didn't.
Me: Yes, you really did.
Jeff: You're probably just not using it right.
Me: There's really not a whole lot of ways to use a gift card, Jeff.
Jeff: Well you're wrong. There's absolutely no way we sent you an empty gift card.
Me: You seem pretty sure, but...
Jeff: Did you activate it?
Me: I have to activate a GIFT CARD?!
I hang up with Jeff. A closer inspection of the card paperwork reveals that I do indeed need to activate the card to use it. I look at the number they have to activate it. It's available M-F, 7am to 6pm. I check my watch: 6:04pm on Friday. &*$*#%. I try it anyway, but it's definitely closed.
The next morning (Saturday) I call back the Costco.com hotline.
Jeff: Hi, this is Jeff. How can I be of service?
Me: Ok, seriously, Jeff. How many people are sitting next to you answering phones?
Jeff: About 75 today.
How do I keep getting this guy?! I explain to Jeff that I can't activate my card because the activation line is closed. He proceeds to tell me what a moron I am for not being able to use the 24 hour activation line.
JEFF is telling ME that I'M a moron. And he's using a patronizing tone. Ouch.
We go around and around until he finally figures out that he, AS A COSTCO EMPLOYEE, has access to numbers that I don't have / wasn't given with my (2nd) gift card. I get that number from him, and call to activate the card. It's an automated system, and it wants me to enter everything about my life through a telephone keypad. Not just my card number, birthdate, address, social security number, zip code, name of my dog, first girlfriend, etc, etc, etc. I get to the end of this colonoscopy, and it says, "I'm sorry. That card is not valid." and hangs up. I try it 4 more times (each one takes about 20 minutes).
At this point, I am DONE. I call back up the Costco.com line (speed dial 1). Guess who answers? (It was Jeff.) I tell him that I'm going to need a refund. Jeff tells me that he can't give me a refund. They have to do it in-store. So I head to my "closest" Costco store in Venice Beach (on a Saturday). Learned several more languages in line. Once I got to the front, I explained the situation, and said that after all of this, I just wanted my money back.
Normal Costco Employee: Sure, no problem.
Me: [blank stare]... I'm sorry... What?
Normal Costco Employee: It's not a problem at all.
Me: Are you sure? They were making a big deal about the card not being "activated".
Normal Costco Employee: Doesn't matter. As long as they put money on the card, I can look up your account history and give you a refund. I'm sorry about all this.
Me: [hissing and shaking a stick]
She takes gift card #2 and disappears for a while. A long-ass while. When she comes back, she hands me back that f***ing plastic card.
Normal Costco Employee: There's no money on this card.
Me: Sigh.
I am losing my mind. I pick up the phone again.
Jeff: Hi, this is--
Me: Jeff! My main man. Jeff. Jeffy. Jeffy Lube. The Jeff-ster. Jeff.
Jeff: Uh oh.
Me: So Jeff... Remember how you told me that there was NO WAY you guys sent me an empty gift card? Remember that? I feel that I've been pretty patient with you guys. Tolerated far more than any reasonable human being should have to. I need you to fix this. NOW.
Jeff: I'll be right back.
And then I got put on hold. Now I don't know what "be right back" means to you, but I don't think 53 minutes qualifies. After waiting outside the store for 20 minutes listening to elevator music, I popped in my headphones, got on my motorcycle and drove home. From Venice Beach to Beverly Hills, with elevator music in my ears. I was 10 steps from my door when Jeff comes back on the line.
Jeff: Still there?
Me: I think maybe we need to have a little chat about what "be right back" entails, Jeff.
Jeff: Yeah, that took a little longer than I expected.
Me: What is wrong with you, Jeff?
Jeff: Huh?
Me: Nevermind. Please tell me you fixed it.
Jeff: Well... no.
Me: Sigh.
Jeff: No one's really here right now to help you until Monday.
Me: Do you think you can write down what we've talked about so far today, Jeff? Please ask someone who can fix this to call me back on Monday.
Jeff: Absolutely. I feel really bad about all this, man. You've been trying to get this order done for like a WEEK, huh?
Me: Sigh.
Wow. Just... wow. I cannot imagine running a business with the level of incompetence that I have witnessed over the last several weeks. It boggles the mind a little bit. It's not just Jeff AT ALL. It's training. All his supervisors. A general attitude that people just don't matter. An anonymous person on the phone is so easy to dismiss. Take a wild guess if I got a call from Costco on Monday.
Not so much.
For the past two days, I have been calling every hour, leaving messages with Robert Knight, his boss, his boss's boss, talking with Jeff, pleading with what seems like every call center employee and manager in the nation. I don't want to be a dick, but this is beyond ridiculous. No one can give me a straight answer, and no one seems to have the ability to fix the problem. And it's always the most bizarre excuses why no one can help me:
-"Our system doesn't give refunds."
-"It's a Homeland Security issue."
-"We're not allowed to talk to them."
-"The office that can help you is closed."
-"My manager is on the roof."
I wish I was making this stuff up! As of this moment, it has been 1 month, 5 days, 21 hours and 44 minutes since my purchase. I have no Playstation 3, no $560, and nothing to show for my efforts thus far. I'm exhausted and down, but not out.
So, if you've been stirred to action by my humble tale and you feel so inclined, kindly head on over to Costco.com and leave some feedback about what you think of their customer service and how they've treated your friend Tim. Maybe you guys can light a fire under them.
Again, just so I'm clear, I have no problem with Costco stores; I've never had a bad experience there. It is only Costco.com that seriously needs to rethink the way they treat people (read: me).
Be Lucky,
Tim
But first, a little bit of history: Despite the fact that I used to play video games professionally for Activision, I am not much of a gamer. I received my first Nintendo second hand from my grandma after she got tired of it and bought a SuperNintendo. I'm not kidding. I've never had any money to begin with, and I don't like spending money I don't have on something I don't have time to get good at. But what I DO like is keeping in touch with my friends. Buying the same system that my friends have lets me do that. And my friends are into the expensive crap.
I bought a Sony Playstation 3 from Costco.com somewhere around the end of April. I don't even own a TV, and I bought this thing using my credit card and my friend Adrian's membership number. About a week later, it arrives at my doorstep. But, as previously mentioned, I don't own a tv. So I take it to my boss's house. (I cannot recommend transporting a PS3 on a motorcycle.) I go through all the trouble of hooking the thing up only to find out that it only half does what it's supposed to. This was to be the first in a serious of disappointments.
I called up the Sony tech support line. Four hours later, I got a human being on the phone:
Him: Did you turn it off and then back on again?
Me: Yes in the four hours I spent listening to your elevator music, I found the time to turn it on and off a coupl'a times. I adjusted every setting on the thing and performed hard and soft wipes. I also learned Portuguese, but now I can only remember it in elevators for some reason.
Him: So, could you turn it off and then on one more time?
Me: Sigh.
I'll spare you the rest of his thorough evaluation and skip right to the part where he tells me that it's "broke". Now I'm not a scientist, but that sounds pretty bad to me. Since I've had the thing all of 15 seconds, he tells me that it's still under warranty. All I have to do is ship it out of pocket to Philadelphia, and wait 6 to 12 weeks to get it back, good as new. This sounded like a trick.
Having read Costco.com's return policy, I opted to exchange it at my local Costco store. But the only time Adrian could go with me was on Saturday. I don't know if you've ever been to Costco on Saturday, but they literally BAIT the store. They give away free samples (read: Power Bait) in an effort to jam as many people as possible into the warehouse for what I'm sure must have started out as a dare. The net result is something akin to a Tokyo subway car at rush hour:
So I wait in line at the customer service desk. God bless him, Adrian stayed with me the whole time. Finally, we get up to the front desk. I tell the agent about the defective item, and I ask to go get a new one. She says, "Sure, just grab another one and I'll do the exchange." This was a trick, too.
They didn't have the bundle that I bought (with an extra controller, a game, etc.), only the console. No big deal, I think to myself, I'll just exchange this console for the broken one and keep the bundle stuff.
No dice. The customer service rep tells me that she can't do exchanges for different products. At this point I'm eyeing the two IDENTICAL CONSOLE BOXES I'm requesting they switch out. I point that out. Again, no go. In Costco's eye, I was a criminal trying to swindle them.
Ok, whatever. I figure I'll just return the thing now and order another one online. It's time wasted, but I can wait another week for it to arrive. So I ask her to please put the money back on my card. For some reason, this all of a sudden becomes a huge hassle. She can't find the guy with the key on the right machine to do the thing. Then she wants to hand me a wad of cash.
Me: How am I supposed to buy something online with cash?
Her: [Blank stare.]
Me: Can you just please put the credit back on the card I bought it with?
Her: No.
Me: Why not?
Her: Mumble mumble mumble guy mumble key mumble wrong machine mumble.
Me: [Blank stare.]
Her: I can put it on a gift card!
Now if ever I have been presented with a trick, this was certainly one of those times. I don't know why I wasn't more on the ball about it. I guess I was tired and hungry and angry and Adrian was looking at me like "let's get the hell out of this store" and my mind wasn't quite right. So, knowing that I was just going to go home and order the exact same thing again, I accepted the gift card, and got the crap out of there.
I went home and ordered the exact thing that I had just returned, and sat back content in the knowledge that I would soon be blowing up nazi zombies with my friends back in Washington. But a week later, instead of a shiny new Playstation 3, I receive a shiny new email.
Email: Dear Tim. We have canceled your Costco.com order for absolutely no reason whatsoever!
Me: FU.
So I call up the Costco.com hotline. And then I learned another language while I waited on hold. Finally I got a hold of a human being.
Human Being: Hi, this is Jeff. How can I be of service?
Me: Hi, Jeff. I just got an email that says my Costco.com order was canceled.
He looks up my information.
Jeff: Yup, looks like it was canceled.
Me: Right, that's what I just told you. What I want to know is WHY it was canceled, which would hopefully lead us to getting it UN-canceled.
Jeff: Yeah, they don't really tell us anything. You should probably just re-order.
Me: So you can't tell me what went wrong?
Jeff: [silence]
Me: So what's to stop the next order from being canceled?
Jeff: [silence]
Me: Here's my other problem, Jeff. After I placed that second order, the gift card was empty, so I threw it away. Could you please just reinstate the order that got canceled for an unspecified reason?
Jeff: No.
Me: Well, thanks for your time, Jeff. I'm going to need to speak to someone that's not you.
Jeff: Ok.
And I got put on hold again while Jeff tracked down a manager. Learned another language by the time Douche Bag Manager picked up.
DBM: Hi, this is Douche Bag Manager. How can I be of service?
I explain the situation. Douche Bag Manager's solution? MAIL ME OUT ANOTHER CASH CARD.
Me: So let me get this straight. Instead of just mailing me a Playstation, you want to mail me a piece of plastic with a number on it, which will take a week to get here, so I can order the exact thing that I will have now ordered three times? Again, I ask you, why can't you just mail me the PS3?
DBM: Because I'm a huge douche and I need to be beaten with a rubber hose.
Me: Fair enough. Ok, new question: Instead of mailing me a card with numbers on it, can't you just tell me the numbers that would be on the card so I can order my PS3 right now?
DBM: Oh, that's a good idea! I'll email you the new card number.
Me: Douche Bag Manager, I don't trust you even a little bit. What is your full name and phone number, so I can be sure to harass the holy hell out of you when you don't follow through with what you've promised me?
DBM: Robert Knight from the Yakima Costco Call Center. (509) 454-1245.
Me: Thanks, Robert. I'll be sure to not publish this on the internet.
So, I start to settle into the idea that everything is once again right with the world. But oh no. They're just getting warmed up. A few days later, I still have not heard back from anyone. So, I called them back up. I'll skip the hold times, since I figure you've got the picture by now. Needless to say, I learned a lot of new languages.
Jeff: Hi, this is Jeff. How can I be of service?
Me: Huh. That's weird. I got you again. How many of you are there in that call center?
Jeff: About 40 on this floor.
Me: Ok... Listen, Jeff. I was supposed to get an email with a new gift card number on it. Haven't heard back.
He looks up my information.
Jeff: Looks like they mailed you out a cash card.
Me: Sigh. Really? Because I specifically asked them NOT to do that.
Jeff: Can't help you. I'm too retarded to live.
Me: You sure are, Jeff. So can you tell me when the card will get here?
Jeff: Looks like it hasn't left our warehouse yet.
Me: So the gift card that you sent... hasn't been sent yet? Then why don't you just... nevermind. Just transfer me to Douche Bag Manager.
DBM: Hi, this is Douche Bag Manager. How can I be of service?
Me: Hey Douche. Remember that email you were supposed to send?
DMB: No.
Me: Oh, right. Forgot who I was talking to. Well, maybe you remember that card that you WEREN'T going to send? Well, you're sending it.
DMB: Huh.
Me: Could you maybe stop that process, and just put the money back on my credit card so I don't have to wait even longer to get a piece of plastic with number on it instead of a Playstation?
DMB: Can't do. The card's already been sent.
Me: No it hasn't. Jeff just told me it hasn't left your warehouse yet.
DMB: Well as far as our system is concerned, it has.
Me: Wow. You are a huge douche.
DMB: Yup.
So last Friday, this card FINALLY arrives. It is now well over a month since I ordered my next generation video gaming system. Normally I do not put up with this kind of crap from a company. But the thought of gaming with my friends that I rarely get to see has given me hope. And hope is a dangerous thing. I pop online, scoot on over to Costco.com, and AGAIN place my order online. By this point, I've done it so often that Firefox has taken the liberty of filling out all the forms for me. Before I process the order, I do a quick balance check of the card:
ZERO.
I waited this entire time so they could mail me an empty gift card? Fantastic.
Jeff: Hi, this is Jeff. How can I be of service?
Me: Jeff. Buddy.
Jeff: Oh, hey Tim. What's going on?
Me: You guys mailed me an empty gift card.
Jeff: No we didn't.
Me: Yes, you really did.
Jeff: You're probably just not using it right.
Me: There's really not a whole lot of ways to use a gift card, Jeff.
Jeff: Well you're wrong. There's absolutely no way we sent you an empty gift card.
Me: You seem pretty sure, but...
Jeff: Did you activate it?
Me: I have to activate a GIFT CARD?!
I hang up with Jeff. A closer inspection of the card paperwork reveals that I do indeed need to activate the card to use it. I look at the number they have to activate it. It's available M-F, 7am to 6pm. I check my watch: 6:04pm on Friday. &*$*#%. I try it anyway, but it's definitely closed.
The next morning (Saturday) I call back the Costco.com hotline.
Jeff: Hi, this is Jeff. How can I be of service?
Me: Ok, seriously, Jeff. How many people are sitting next to you answering phones?
Jeff: About 75 today.
How do I keep getting this guy?! I explain to Jeff that I can't activate my card because the activation line is closed. He proceeds to tell me what a moron I am for not being able to use the 24 hour activation line.
JEFF is telling ME that I'M a moron. And he's using a patronizing tone. Ouch.
We go around and around until he finally figures out that he, AS A COSTCO EMPLOYEE, has access to numbers that I don't have / wasn't given with my (2nd) gift card. I get that number from him, and call to activate the card. It's an automated system, and it wants me to enter everything about my life through a telephone keypad. Not just my card number, birthdate, address, social security number, zip code, name of my dog, first girlfriend, etc, etc, etc. I get to the end of this colonoscopy, and it says, "I'm sorry. That card is not valid." and hangs up. I try it 4 more times (each one takes about 20 minutes).
At this point, I am DONE. I call back up the Costco.com line (speed dial 1). Guess who answers? (It was Jeff.) I tell him that I'm going to need a refund. Jeff tells me that he can't give me a refund. They have to do it in-store. So I head to my "closest" Costco store in Venice Beach (on a Saturday). Learned several more languages in line. Once I got to the front, I explained the situation, and said that after all of this, I just wanted my money back.
Normal Costco Employee: Sure, no problem.
Me: [blank stare]... I'm sorry... What?
Normal Costco Employee: It's not a problem at all.
Me: Are you sure? They were making a big deal about the card not being "activated".
Normal Costco Employee: Doesn't matter. As long as they put money on the card, I can look up your account history and give you a refund. I'm sorry about all this.
Me: [hissing and shaking a stick]
She takes gift card #2 and disappears for a while. A long-ass while. When she comes back, she hands me back that f***ing plastic card.
Normal Costco Employee: There's no money on this card.
Me: Sigh.
I am losing my mind. I pick up the phone again.
Jeff: Hi, this is--
Me: Jeff! My main man. Jeff. Jeffy. Jeffy Lube. The Jeff-ster. Jeff.
Jeff: Uh oh.
Me: So Jeff... Remember how you told me that there was NO WAY you guys sent me an empty gift card? Remember that? I feel that I've been pretty patient with you guys. Tolerated far more than any reasonable human being should have to. I need you to fix this. NOW.
Jeff: I'll be right back.
And then I got put on hold. Now I don't know what "be right back" means to you, but I don't think 53 minutes qualifies. After waiting outside the store for 20 minutes listening to elevator music, I popped in my headphones, got on my motorcycle and drove home. From Venice Beach to Beverly Hills, with elevator music in my ears. I was 10 steps from my door when Jeff comes back on the line.
Jeff: Still there?
Me: I think maybe we need to have a little chat about what "be right back" entails, Jeff.
Jeff: Yeah, that took a little longer than I expected.
Me: What is wrong with you, Jeff?
Jeff: Huh?
Me: Nevermind. Please tell me you fixed it.
Jeff: Well... no.
Me: Sigh.
Jeff: No one's really here right now to help you until Monday.
Me: Do you think you can write down what we've talked about so far today, Jeff? Please ask someone who can fix this to call me back on Monday.
Jeff: Absolutely. I feel really bad about all this, man. You've been trying to get this order done for like a WEEK, huh?
Me: Sigh.
Wow. Just... wow. I cannot imagine running a business with the level of incompetence that I have witnessed over the last several weeks. It boggles the mind a little bit. It's not just Jeff AT ALL. It's training. All his supervisors. A general attitude that people just don't matter. An anonymous person on the phone is so easy to dismiss. Take a wild guess if I got a call from Costco on Monday.
Not so much.
For the past two days, I have been calling every hour, leaving messages with Robert Knight, his boss, his boss's boss, talking with Jeff, pleading with what seems like every call center employee and manager in the nation. I don't want to be a dick, but this is beyond ridiculous. No one can give me a straight answer, and no one seems to have the ability to fix the problem. And it's always the most bizarre excuses why no one can help me:
-"Our system doesn't give refunds."
-"It's a Homeland Security issue."
-"We're not allowed to talk to them."
-"The office that can help you is closed."
-"My manager is on the roof."
I wish I was making this stuff up! As of this moment, it has been 1 month, 5 days, 21 hours and 44 minutes since my purchase. I have no Playstation 3, no $560, and nothing to show for my efforts thus far. I'm exhausted and down, but not out.
So, if you've been stirred to action by my humble tale and you feel so inclined, kindly head on over to Costco.com and leave some feedback about what you think of their customer service and how they've treated your friend Tim. Maybe you guys can light a fire under them.
Again, just so I'm clear, I have no problem with Costco stores; I've never had a bad experience there. It is only Costco.com that seriously needs to rethink the way they treat people (read: me).
Be Lucky,
Tim
5.14.2009
Project Gutenberg
Has anyone heard of Project Gutenberg? I just found out that, among other things, my favorite book as a kid is free for the world:
It's Like This, Cat
-T
It's Like This, Cat
-T
4.08.2009
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